Stirred But Not Shaken

Two tango on an open dance floor. I sat in a golden brocade dining room as a waltz played, waiters cleared tables and set up for the milonga that followed dinner. This last year's been a difficult one, both personally and professionally.... it's been a year of loss. It's been a year of trying to trust, when trust has been difficult. It's hard to set your sights on what the future holds when everything you thought was going to be, isn't.  I lost an important friendship because, to them, there were other priorities. I unexpectedly lost a family member. I lost a job through a restructure. Sure, I survived it and I'm still working for the same organization in a new role, but the team I worked with is gone, each dispersed to other areas. It was a team that had each other's back, we supported one another and genuinely cared for each other's well-being. That restructure has been the last three and a half months. Three and a half months of grieving. Three and a ...

"Who is Jesus to you?" Last Sunday I went to a cafe in the afternoon and ran into someone I recognized from church, and was asked this very question. With my heart in my throat as my eyes began to well with tears, "Everything. Everything. Absolutely everything to me."  I am nothing without Him. I am broken and wrecked without Him. I am the daughter of the King, beloved. I am so much more, but only because of Jesus. My life is a simple testament of this love, grace, and mercy. This blog bears witness to the healing work and His intimate pursuit of my heart.  As we celebrate the birth of Jesus, may the revelation of His great love for you be made known. He was born to give His life and defeat death for you. You. Yes, my friend, you. Stirred by the One who is my Everything, Ruth

Not too long ago we lost our precious cat, Maisie. She was young; it was sudden and unexpected. One morning last week as I was heading to work, I was contemplating the meaning of the word grief. What is it? What does it mean to grieve? Even over just the last few years, I've grieved many times over, too many that I've just lost count.  Grief doesn't just come after some sort of loss, but it comes in the midst of a big change - both good and bad. It results in big feelings, and this is the first time that I've been able to openly grieve in front of my sons - but this time we are all grieving over the same thing, each of us in different ways. It has been a valuable teaching moment to say the least. We've seen denial, anger, bargaining, depression, tears, irritability ... we've been walking through it all choosing to keep our hearts open and soft in the middle of the pain. Most people think of grief as a deep penetrating agony pain after loss, particularly death. I...

"A woman who had never known anything but the goodness of God,  questioned His goodness toward her." These words were spoken to me last night and it was the 2x4 I needed to the back of the head. She wasn't talking specifically to me or about me, but this nugget of wisdom about Eve in the garden made me take pause, a hard one. In fact, I really didn't hear much of what was said afterwards.   It's been a rough couple of weeks in my world, and it's coming from all different directions. It hasn't been just one thing, but a host of challenges to which God has been calling me to task: my disbelief is truly just unbelief.  Ouch. Major ouch. At the beginning of each year, I take time away to pray about what the Lord has for me in the coming months. This year, when I heard what He said to me, I laughed at Him. I laughed like Sarah laughed. There is no way in the natural that the things He's been speaking over me for years would come to fruition this year. I jus...

This past Labor Day weekend I headed up north with some friends for a few days of white water rafting, something I first did at the age of 20 with my mom. She has that adventurous spirit, and I seem to have inherited it. The weather was absolutely gorgeous and it was late enough in the season that the water was still warm. The first day I sat in the very front, had my sinuses cleared out, and at one point thought I lost both contact lenses. I did not fall out. Well, at least not involuntarily.  I love these trips because they remind me of how alive I am. I spend my week 9-5 in front of a computer crunching numbers. I love my job, but I am so much more than my work, and so much more than a mom to three boys.  Saturday after rafting and lunch we opted for a scenic walk out to a 90 foot waterfall. I had a nagging feeling I'd had before: the one that told me this was going to be familiar. Sure enough, it was identical to the location in some recurring dreams I had while as a pasto...

Every morning as I begin to wake up I pray.  Well ... Ok, as I roll over and hit the snooze button, I pray.  It often starts: Oh God.... time to hit the ground running, but I don't. I pause. I listen. I speak His will into my day. These prayers speak my heart's desire before, and without, all of the crud the day brings: to know Him more, to see Him throughout my day, to be able to follow Him well. They are prayers for my day, for my heart, for my relationship with Him. Before I rise I start in His presence. How better to start the day? I try to walk through my day listening for Him, for His soft whisper. I meditate on what He's been teaching me in the midst of my circumstances. I meditate on the passages He's brought to my attention, and oftentimes I am digesting the same passage for days.  When I lay down at night, I talk with Him about my day, the things I am grateful for, release hurt and disappointment for Him to deal with, and ask for clarity and direct...

Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am . Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?  ~ Matthew 16:24‭-‬26 ~ "Has to let me lead..." Papa, I think I'm starting to get the message.  So what does it mean to lose myself? This I have learned the hard way: people pleasing is the farthest thing from what Jesus is talking about. It's being lead through life, trusting His direction, and going with it even when it's unpleasant or uncomfortable. By losing ourselves in Him, we find more of our true self - the person we were created to be.  When I went on this trip I was asked to dance in a number of styles that I had never danced before. "...

Years ago, I had coffee with a friend who had known me since my youth. She talked, I listened. Each story bore themes of confusion and shame. She was raised in the church, knew all the things, and regularly attended churches that fostered an intimate relationship with a living God. Yet, those themes overshadowed her faith. It is all too common in the church, and it saddens me deeply when I encounter it. In my conversations with those who have walked away from the church, I find they often speak of deep, deep hurt and betrayal. Recovering from that isn't a walk in the park, it's rebuilding faith in God and remembering that even people deemed "saved" are still fallen, and God is still pursuing their heart for healing. There is a spectrum in which our faith lies, and it's based on our knowledge of God, His character, and His desires for us. To put it more simply, there is head knowledge and there is heart knowledge.  Head knowledge is more the memorization of scriptu...

Originally written April 27, 2023: "When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?" ~ Psalm 8:3-4 ~ Ahh, the perpetual longing of the psalmist. The question asked by someone convinced that there is no God because the evidence isn't seen. The question asked by the seeker. The question asked by the believer struggling with circumstances they cannot control. There is only one answer to this question. Just one. That's it. And in that answer is the complete embodiment of God's heart: Jesus.  Compassion, love, peace, joy ... Jesus embodied the qualities and motives found within God himself. "I and the Father are one." But also the Holy Spirit that indwelt Jesus after John the Baptist, well, baptized him. Jesus is the embodiment of the entire trinity on earth. It is through Jesus that we have access to the Holy Spirit a...

Last year as I sat here contemplating was 2022 would bring, the word of the year was overflow. Overflow in the context of Psalm 23. For so long I have poured from an empty cup. I have given myself beyond what I should have. This time last year I was dry, parched, thirsty, but my cup overflowed. God's goodness has overflowed in 2022.  This year I sit here looking back and there are lots of things I've seen and learned. Some have renewed my hope for humanity, and others that just remind me how broken this world is. I've had COVID a second time. I've had to face some fears and do things far out of my comfort zone. I've learned that anger is really grieving and the pain of grief is valid; to speak up when I'm hurting and set boundaries to protect my heart. I've learned to express my needs and desires. I've learned that poking the bear doesn't mean I'm going to be eaten alive. I've learned to hold people accountable, and give more grace for circum...

It feels like forever since I've posted, and in many ways it has been. Aside from my Christmas post, it's been several months. My heart has been sitting in the stillness, despite the chaos that has been the last several months.  In early November, I found a foot and half of water in my basement. I lost some things that were important like my treadmill and chest freezer. Oh, and the furnace was under water. I lost a lot of, well, crap. Stuff. Stuff that really didn't matter. My cousin dropped by with his fishing waders and helped me get things in order. Everything was everywhere, stuff was floating, boxes opened.... It. Was. A. Mess.  In just another week I had plans to travel, and there was so much to do. Eighteen bags of soppy wet stuff hauled away. Among them was the planner from the year of my divorce. It was a time of realizing that there were things I needed to let go of. There were hopes and dreams dashed, and plans made. Even more there were feelings that just need...

Photo by Dyu - Ha on Unsplash I'm still pondering what to do with my time in November, and I think I've settled down on a plan. Plans.... We all have them, don't we? We think that things are going to go one way, but then they don't. There are divine appointments and then there are divine disappointments? No, not that way - more like when the GPS tells you that it's re-calculating your route. My recent posts have certainly been on that sort of track, but I'm going to veer off a little today to talk about something quite different.... I think, at least.  At some point this evening, I looked down at my hand's nearly healed wound inflicted by an oversized bamboo skewer designed for toasting a marshmallow. An hour from any cell phone reception I pulled out the first aid kit and tended to it. Within hours the bandage feel off and the wound had stopped bleeding. The mark is along my outer palm, but it reminded me of a vision I had during worship two summers ago. I...

Well, in less than two days I graduate from college. Yup, it took me a whopping 24 years to get here between the detours, false starts, and the road blocks that were placed in my way. I always envisioned that this day would involve my mom (whom I watched get her bachelors when I was in middle school, her masters when I was in high school and then hooded for her doctorate five years ago) with my three boys sitting in the audience to watch me walk across the stage to receive my degree <cough> holder. Alas, a pandemic has squashed that dream. Instead, I will be sitting in my mom's living room watching a ceremony that I have no active participation in. That sucks. It really does. I hoped to demonstrate to my children that with God's help you can accomplish what He set out for you to do. What they haven't seen are the academic presentations, the late nights, the crying wanting to drop out at the last minute because I am just. so. spent. Even still, I have a summer of tying...

It's been a quiet holiday season. Well, in some ways. It's been absolutely bonkers in others. Advent arrives and I try and focus on preparing my heart for the coming of Christ. It's a time of quiet reflection, a time of considering just why God came down in human form to live among us. There is so much wrapped up in that and yet the message is simple. God loves. God is Love. God loves you.    To think to myself about how much I haven't followed what would be the expected path of a woman raised in a Christian church, or how certain decisions have been less than ideal. Well, I think maybe "less than ideal" is a gross understatement. That's why He came. That's why He dwelt among us. As we dwell in His presence, He dwells in us.  What an honor to be considered sons and daughters of God! Tomorrow is New Year's Eve, and 2020 comes to an end. There's a lot of hindsight there; a lot of reflection about what worked, what didn't, and how I should app...

There is something quite wonderful about the mysteries held in the Bible: they aren't mysteries. God intended for His Word to reach all people. It's not complicated. Years ago I was involved in a small Messianic fellowship, I learned about some of the feasts, even camping out in a chilly October for Sukkot. There was one thing that was repeated time and time again: let scripture interpret scripture.    I didn't realize it at the time, but it greatly influenced how I read scripture. Reading the Bible isn't an intellectual exercise or ascent to a particular theology. No, it's something completely different. It is looking at every passage in light of the entire story, that means all 66 books, letting the Holy Spirit reveal the message for you in that moment. Reading the whole kit 'n caboodle can seem overwhelming. Until ... until ... you realize that it is an epic love story. All of it, and you are the focus of His affection.  In a recent conversation, ...