It's a Leap
The weather was absolutely gorgeous and it was late enough in the season that the water was still warm. The first day I sat in the very front, had my sinuses cleared out, and at one point thought I lost both contact lenses. I did not fall out. Well, at least not involuntarily.
I love these trips because they remind me of how alive I am. I spend my week 9-5 in front of a computer crunching numbers. I love my job, but I am so much more than my work, and so much more than a mom to three boys.
Saturday after rafting and lunch we opted for a scenic walk out to a 90 foot waterfall. I had a nagging feeling I'd had before: the one that told me this was going to be familiar. Sure enough, it was identical to the location in some recurring dreams I had while as a pastor's wife. The boardwalks, the path, the falls, the pools, all of it. In these dreams I jumped off the waterfall and felt that sensation of my stomach in my throat mid free fall. Every dream, every time, I landed safely in the water to swim to shore. That was it. Nothing super spiritual, but I took a mental note of its recurrence. Now, I've had dreams and then years later found myself in the location of that dream. It's a very weird feeling, and more than once it has brought me to tears.
Not unlike Susan, Lucy, Peter, and Edmund passing the lamppost in the wood with vague familiarity after ruling at Cair Paravel, I've learned that these moments are signposts in my journey with Him. It is a shift in my walk, a shift in my perspective, and my response when this happens is the same as my response when He gives me dreams: Lord, what are you showing me? What are you teaching me? What are you drawing my attention to? Saturday I did not get an answer right away. I often don't. So I sit and pray on it.
While we were at the falls people were swimming in the pool below and jumping from spots on the ledge to the right side. I watched one swimmer jump several times, even at the distance I could see him watch the water, do the calculations, take a few deep breaths, and then jump. My dreams weren't that different from what I witnessed: a healthy respect for nature and knowing that what was below the surface could literally make or break it. Yet, each jump, and even a dive, ended with huge smile on his face.
The next morning on the bus ride down dirt roads for our second river trip I continued to hold it in prayer, and He answered:
"It's okay to be scared. Do you trust Me?"
Well, then. My eyes watered and a tear ran down my cheek.
Gideon cowered in a winepress threshing wheat to hide from the Midianites. David hid for his life from King Saul. Elijah hid from Jezebel. Peter hid his identity as a Jesus follower three times. They were all scared, yet God pulled them out of their hiding. God had other plans for them. I mean Gideon defeated the Midianites with a sharply downsized army holding clay pots and torches, and Peter became the rock on which the early church was built.
The question was: did they trust God in the midst of their human frailty? Do we trust God in the midst of our own feelings of being not good enough, not measuring up to what ever standard we think we are supposed to meet?
That frailty and trust is a strength and an asset, not a liability, weakness, or a failure. Even when it's easy to trust God, trusting ourselves can be another matter.
Do we realize that God doesn't ask for perfection, or for us to have everything figured out and our ducks all in a row? (I know mine certainly aren't.) He asks for our obedience: Take the risk. Take the leap of faith into something you don't entirely feel comfortable with and know that God already has you. HE HAS YOU and He's not going to let go.
Stirred,
Ruth
