Well, in less than two days I graduate from college. Yup, it took me a whopping 24 years to get here between the detours, false starts, and the road blocks that were placed in my way. I always envisioned that this day would involve my mom (whom I watched get her bachelors when I was in middle school, her masters when I was in high school and then hooded for her doctorate five years ago) with my three boys sitting in the audience to watch me walk across the stage to receive my degree <cough> holder. Alas, a pandemic has squashed that dream. Instead, I will be sitting in my mom's living room watching a ceremony that I have no active participation in. That sucks. It really does. I hoped to demonstrate to my children that with God's help you can accomplish what He set out for you to do. What they haven't seen are the academic presentations, the late nights, the crying wanting to drop out at the last minute because I am just. so. spent. Even still, I have a summer of tying up loose ends to make sure that I actually get the piece of paper that will end up in that degree holder that I won't be in a cap and gown to receive.
A couple of weeks ago I was asked when I would travel next. My Lord, I've been longing to explore again for a long, long time. My mom and I have daydreamed about all the places we would go (or go again). The truth is she is someone who, at least when I travel with her, always leads to an unexpected adventure. Nothing like being propositioned in London while your mom's on the phone trying to contact the two Christian women we were staying with, or finding yourself short funds and it was Western Union to the rescue ... oh yeah or underneath a forming off-season tornado in Pennsylvania. Each of those trips had a number of miraculous events. Adventure? Yes. Danger? Nope, God never failed to protect in ways I can't describe.
A few weeks ago I learned of a trip to Israel later this year that I would like to go on and a number of aspects have fallen into place, however the timing of the trip funds and the lack of an emergency fund without credit make it difficult to travel and have resources for any unexpected mishaps. I have too many responsibilities to do what I would love to do: just go. So for now, that sits entirely in God's hands. I've worked too hard to just try and make things happen in my own strength.
Strength? Really I have none. That leads me to really the whole point of this post. I think. I'm not done writing, so we'll find out.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. ~ Proverbs 13:12
or as the Passion Translation puts it:
When hope's dream seems to drag on and on, the delay can be depressing. But when at last your dream comes true, life's sweetness will satisfy your soul.
My degree, my longing to travel again, and even my longing for a kinsman redeemer have each been a hope deferred. My heart aches. I get impatient with God. I throw up my hands feeling defeated. I want to give up. I want to give up. I cannot tell you how many times I have just wanted to give up or give in, and yet I am compelled forward even in the disappointment and unfulfilled desires to just go on a Wild Goose chase.* I really can't explain it. When my flesh wants to give up, every ounce of my being says: keep going. Even as I ask: Where? When? How? I. Just. Keep. Going. It isn't me. It's Christ in me, the strength ... the hope of glory.(Colossians 1) I push harder. I push further. I pray deeper. I pray longer. I. Just. Can't. Stop.
One day I will see the dreams and the hopes fulfilled. God hasn't failed me, and He won't.
God is not a man, that he should lie,
or son of man, that he should change his mind.
Has he said, and will he not do it?
OR has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?
~ Numbers 23:19
I can not have the same fallen expectations of man and apply them to God. Why? God isn't human, and for the 32 years when He was, He came explicitly to fulfill promise after promise. Trusting is not easy. Faith is not easy. The burden He has for us, however, is both easy and light. (Matthew 11) The dichotomy is thoroughly perplexing, in the same marvelous way that a child encounters snow for the first time. Remain full of that wonder. Remain in Him. Pray without pausing. Rest in His reassurance and in gratitude that the longing, the languish of hope deferred, is not without hope.
Stirred tonight still in hope,
Ruth
*While many Christian traditions use the symbol of a dove in reference to the Holy Spirit, early Christian Celts used the image of a goose because of it's wild, unfettered nature to intervene.
