A Burning in My Heart
It feels like forever since I've posted, and in many ways it has been. Aside from my Christmas post, it's been several months. My heart has been sitting in the stillness, despite the chaos that has been the last several months.
Later that week I went for pre-travel COVID testing, and a day later hopped on a plane, first to Reykjavik and then to London. I spent nearly a week with dear family I hadn't seen in 19 years. A cherished visit to sit in the living room, drink a coffee or tea, and chat. We talked religion, politics, culture, parenting, education, and family history, everything really. It was wonderful, and I frequently recognised the English sensibilities and the impact that international travel, especially during my early teens, .aqmhad on me. My language shifted. I often had to stop and translate, yes translate, and re-form my sentence structure. Yes, English and American are two different languages, although they have a great deal of overlap. My return stop in Iceland was nothing short of magnificent: hot springs, snow, northern lights, and amazing coffee. As a single traveler, I was free to do as I wanted, and that was something I had never really had the opportunity to do before. Any previous travel was loaded with the expectations of others, this was for me and my heart was full and rested.
Here's my heart, Lord ... Speak what is true...
I am found, I am Yours
In early November, I found a foot and half of water in my basement. I lost some things that were important like my treadmill and chest freezer. Oh, and the furnace was under water. I lost a lot of, well, crap. Stuff. Stuff that really didn't matter. My cousin dropped by with his fishing waders and helped me get things in order. Everything was everywhere, stuff was floating, boxes opened.... It. Was. A. Mess. In just another week I had plans to travel, and there was so much to do. Eighteen bags of soppy wet stuff hauled away. Among them was the planner from the year of my divorce. It was a time of realizing that there were things I needed to let go of. There were hopes and dreams dashed, and plans made. Even more there were feelings that just needed to be released, and from much more than my divorce.
Later that week I went for pre-travel COVID testing, and a day later hopped on a plane, first to Reykjavik and then to London. I spent nearly a week with dear family I hadn't seen in 19 years. A cherished visit to sit in the living room, drink a coffee or tea, and chat. We talked religion, politics, culture, parenting, education, and family history, everything really. It was wonderful, and I frequently recognised the English sensibilities and the impact that international travel, especially during my early teens, .aqmhad on me. My language shifted. I often had to stop and translate, yes translate, and re-form my sentence structure. Yes, English and American are two different languages, although they have a great deal of overlap. My return stop in Iceland was nothing short of magnificent: hot springs, snow, northern lights, and amazing coffee. As a single traveler, I was free to do as I wanted, and that was something I had never really had the opportunity to do before. Any previous travel was loaded with the expectations of others, this was for me and my heart was full and rested.
There were two things that the Lord really impressed upon me during those travels, and I hope to expound upon in future posts: I am not my father's daughter. Nope, no way. I am my Father's daughter. That lead me to the second thing: Kingdom citizenship vs earthly citizenship. This is the meat that I've been chewing on for two months now. I ask myself a lot, who am I representing? Where is my home? Where do I belong? These are not shallow easy answers, they challenge me in my daily walk.
Then the week following Christmas it started with a sore throat. I felt crappy, but the PCR came back negative. The next day I felt like I had the full blown flu, and a nasty one at that. Two days after the first PCR, the second came back positive. Yay! Really? I traveled overseas, tested a total of five times in two weeks, enjoyed the holidays with my family and then get sick? I'll tell you, if it looks like omicron, smells like omicron, it probably is. (Ironically you don't lose your sense of smell and taste with this variant as with other circulating variants like delta.) I am vaccinated, so it was really like the flu, but my instinct told me it wasn't. My symptoms were mild until day 8 when my heart started doing some weird things, not enough to warrant a trip to an already over taxed ER, however it did warrant a trip to the doctor's office where I was told it is common and it would be best to wait and see, though it would likely get better over time. Okayyyyy....
When I did make it back to church I was easily winded from a racing heart, but made it to the front for prayer. I've said it before and I will say it again: Our God is a great God! He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds. Throughout the day I felt progressively and significantly better. I'd almost say I am back to normal, except there is this burning in my chest.
Last spring and summer, I found myself waking in the morning crying out, "My heart, Lord, my heart." I really didn't know what to do with that until it happened again. This time it was much more relatable and it clicked. The burning in my heart may be from the diagnosed inflammation, but there is also a burning in my heart: a desire for relationship. For a friend closer than a brother. For someone to walk through life with. It's hard to walk through COVID alone. It's hard to walk through it with three kids in quarantine, not feeling great themselves. It's hard to feel like you want to sleep and yet, be so driven to keep working from home as much as physically able, because if you don't bring home the bacon no one will. It's not that I doubt or don't trust that God is sovereign and He will provide. No, He has shown time and time again that He always gives us just what we need, in that moment when we need it. What He's shown me is that this isn't just a heart issue, it's a heart issue.
I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I'm made pure I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
I am healed, I am free
You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
You're all I have, You're everything...
Source: Here's My Heart (Audio with full lyrics via YouTube)
Throughout scripture, Jesus calls to us. In John 4 He speaks to the woman at the well, not judging her, but inviting her to life. Where the heart is there also is the treasure. He knew just where her treasure was, and he offered her something of greater value. When we find our treasure in Jesus, when we give him not just part of our hearts, but our whole hearts, we find the water that will never leave us thirsty. "In fact, the water I will give him will become a well of water springing up within him for eternal life." (v 14) "But an hour is coming, and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth." (v 23) Our hearts are what He is after. As we follow Him in spirit and truth everything else will fall into place.
There is a fire deep within my soul, a fire that cannot be quenched except by the life giving water He gives. Many have faced devastation in floods. Many have faced devastation in places far from home. Many have faced the devastation that is COVID - something straight from the pits of hell. Through it all, God's love and companionship endures forever. In whose hands will your heart be?
Stirred,
Ruth
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